Beautifully Broken
by WaffleNinja412
Summary: He hated himself for letting his dad hit him, abuse him, force him into signing up for a stupid hockey team full of total jackwads. He hated himself for letting the other kids bully him, call him stupid things just because he wasn't a jock, wasn't the typical sixteen year old highschool boy. It was all so stupid, and pointless, and he just…. Casey wanted it to end. WARNING- ANGST
1. One - You've Fallen Down

The endless void of water below him was inviting in a strange, almost scary way. It seemed to be sucking him in, screaming at him to let himself fall into the cold embrace of the liquid.

And part of him actually _wanted_ to, that's what terrified the boy. He was just so broken, and wanted nothing more than to drown the pain of it away. But, there was still that rational side of him, the one that talked him out of this about what, three times now? No, it was two, the last time that rational part hadn't really been working. Last time, someone else talked him out of it. But the question was, would he be able to be talked out of this now?

He was close to the breaking point this time, or maybe he was well past it. All he knew was that he wanted it all to end. The words, the abuse, the pain. _Everything_. And this was the only way, wasn't it? He was just so tired. He just wished he could disappear into the waves without anybody noticing, and then he could literally rest in peace.

The boy almost smiled at the thought, then frowned, clenching his hands tighter around the freezing railing of the bridge, even though everything was screaming at him to let go.

 _Just let go. What are you afraid of? You're not leaving anything behind, except your crappy life. Just do it, Jones. Let go. Let go. Let go! LET GO!_

He clamped his eyes shut at the thoughts, breathing erratic. His grip was loosening dangerously, and he didn't want it to, yet he didn't tighten his hands around the metal again. Everything just _hurt_ so much.

Part of his soul cracked and chipped at every nasty word thrown at him by the other kids at school, and the bullying of the other boys on his hockey team, which he hated and never even wanted to join in the first place.

He seemed to shatter again and again every single time his father came home from work in a drunken stupor, and would smack him around and yell and scream at him, _hating him_ just because he 'wasn't a man'.

All because he hated actual sports, specifically hockey, that dudes his age were expected to like, and because he instead, loved to do other sports like things. He loved dancing, and singing, and heck, he hated himself for being too terrified to audition for the school play, because that would have been a _dream come true_.

He hated himself for letting his dad hit him, abuse him, force him into signing up for a stupid hockey team full of total jackwads. He hated himself for letting the other kids bully him, call him stupid things just because he wasn't a jock, wasn't the typical sixteen year old highschool boy. It was all so _stupid_ , and _pointless_ , and he just…

Casey wanted it to end.

Why couldn't it all just end? Why were the only people who he felt accepted by a bunch of mutants, and not his own kind? Sure, April accepted him and so did her dad, but still. He wanted everyone else to see him as _Casey_.

 _Casey_ , who was one heck of a dancer, thanks to his mother's talent. _Casey_ , who loved to sing along with April and Mikey while the three of them made pizza, or just goofed off like the crazy teens they were. _Casey_ , who felt more at home in the sewers with four mutant turtles and their rat father, than he did in the house he'd grown up in. _Casey_ , who was so sick of all of this pain and hurt and ache in his heart, that he wasn't hesitating anymore, he was ready to free fall into the water and never resurface, because he didn't want to. He didn't want to face his reality anymore. The reality that he belonged nowhere, with no one, and that he'd have to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life.

Casey clamped his eyes shut as a chilling breeze went by, his hands were shaking as his fingertips loosened around the metal. This was it. He was doing it. He was finally just going to end it all, like he should have years ago…

He screwed his eyelids shut tighter, his hands were no longer on the railing, wind softly brushed across his face as he began to fall forward….

And then something grabbed the back of his sweatshirt, and Casey's eyes shot open, then widened. The water was right under him, the deep abyss no longer inviting, now absolutely horrifying. Then Casey was being yanked back, and he was roughly pulled over the railing. He crashed back against something hard, and blinked in utter confusion and fear as he processed the green arms that were wrapped around him tightly, protectively, almost desperately.

"Ya said…" Raphael panted heavily, sounding like he ran all the way across the city just to get there, "Ya said… that you… you wouldn't think about it... again…" Casey was shocked to hear the concern and fear in his best friend's voice, he'd only ever heard Raph's voice like that when he was talking to his brothers about something important, and or terrifying. That tone of voice was reserved for family… "You said you were okay, Casey…" Raph said hoarsely. "Why didn't ya call me like last time, Case? What…. Why didn't ya say you needed my help?"

Casey didn't reply, he couldn't. What was he supposed to say? 'I _didn't tell you because I didn't want you to talk me out of it and save my life again'? 'I didn't want anybody to stop me because I literally wanted to die_ '?

"Casey…" Raph's voice was barely above a whisper, and Casey realized he was trembling within his turtle friend's arms. "Case… Buddy…"

Casey couldn't stop himself from breaking down into sobs, Raph's arms tightened around him even more, holding him like Casey was a lifeline. Casey just couldn't believe himself. He'd thought about falling off that bridge countless times, he'd sat on the railing three times this last month, imagining the relief it would bring to just end it. And tonight… tonight he almost did it. He almost made the biggest mistake of his life. He almost ended his life!

"It's gonna be alright, Case." Raph said softly as Casey cried into his plastron pathetically, clinging to the turtle desperately. "You'll be okay…I got ya, brother."

 _Brother._

He considered Casey family, just like Casey considered the Hamato Clan and the O'Neil's to be his sanctuary, his safe, happy little place. A small, odd family of his very own. But, family just the same.

And Casey Jones would never again even think of letting that go.

 **A/N: Would you like more of this story? Do you want me to continue it? I totally will if you all want me to! I already have some ideas brewing in my head! MWAHAHAHA! Anyway, I hope you liked this, and tell me if you want more! -Neon**


	2. Two - Feel So Far Away

Casey stared at the floor, avoiding looking at anything but the sewer ground. Raph had taken him back to the lair after about an hour of sitting on that stupid bridge, Casey crying his heart out like a wimp the whole time. It was humiliating to say the least, sobbing grossly like that in front of your best friend, while he held you and just let you cry for making a stupid mistake. Not to mention the fact that they were both dudes, and dudes were supposed to hang out, not worry about feelings and junk.

"Don, where's that med kit?" Raph called as he headed to the bathroom, Donnie stopped whatever he was doing in his lab and walked out.

"What?" he asked incredulously. "Raph, please tell me you didn't get yourself into trouble looking for Ca-" Don stopped when he saw Casey, staring at the boy's battered face and bruised arms he'd acquired a couple hours ago, courtesy of his old man.

"...Hey, Dee…"

"What happened." it wasn't a question, and Casey tensed. Great, Donnie was mad, and that was worse than Raph being mad.

"Nothin'..." Casey mumbled, walking briskly to the pit and plopping down on the couch.

"Nothing?" Donnie questioned. "Casey, April said you didn't pick up any of her calls, and none of us knew where you were, and then you come here with a black eye and bruised arms! Did someone hurt you? Who- are you missing another tooth?!" Casey groaned inwardly, closing his eyes. He really didn't want to do this, he didn't want to say anything. This was all so humiliating and he shouldn't be burdening his only friends with his baggage.

"M'fine, a'ight?" Casey grumbled, shoving his still shaking hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt. Donnie made a face at this.

"Casey, you're not-"

"Don." Raph took the opportunity to walk in at that moment, the first aid kit tucked under his arm, and Mikey's old comforter in the other. "Chill, okay? He doesn't need to explain nothin' right now. The important thing is he's not in trouble."

"Not in- but, _Raph_ , he's obviously been beaten by _somebody_! What…" Donnie stopped at the sharp look his older brother sent, then the genius turtle sighed. "Fine. I'll call Leo, last he texted, he, April, and Mikey were looking for him in central park." Don said, casting another look at Casey, who pointedly ignored him. "Sensei was meditating, trying to help too. But, considering he'd probably sense Casey here, he should be out soon."

Casey tensed at this. Not only was it bad that everyone had gone out looking for him, but Splinter knew how to do that weird meditation trick, and he would have been able to locate Casey… wouldn't he? Crap, what if Splinter knew what he had been about to do? Was that possible?

"'Kay." Raph replied shortly to his brother's explanation, already digging through the first aid kit. When he finally found what he needed, Raph moved to disinfect (or something, Casey wasn't exactly a doctor) the bloody bruise around Casey's right eye. Casey immediately leaned away, scowling.

"I don't need that junk." he grumbled. Raph gave him that rare, stern look that made him look like Leonardo.

"Ya kinda do, if ya don't want your face to get infected or somethin'." he stated. Casey snorted, looking away.

"I told you, I'm _fine_."

"No, you're not." Raph insisted, voice morphing into something more gentle. Another rare occasion. "Case, just lemme help you, alright?"

"I don't need help." Casey mumbled. Raph sighed, shaking his head slightly.

"Casey, come on. Would you just lemme-"

"Nope." Casey answered shortly, bringing his legs up onto the couch and hugging them to his chest. He was still shaking, why couldn't he just relax?

 _Because you almost killed yourself, idiot. That's why! And now you're being a jerk to your best friend for trying to help you!_

Casey grumbled to himself, then sighed, looking sideways at Raphael, who had an expectant expression on his face.

"Fine." Casey said softly. A look of relief passed over his best friend's face, and Raph scooted closer before tending to Casey's wound, if you could even call it that.

Minutes later, a small band aid was covering the scratch on the edge of Casey's eye, and Raph left to put the first aid kit back. Casey didn't move from his spot on the couch, he was still hugging himself tightly, willing his body to stop trembling. He shouldn't be making such a big deal out of this, honestly. He didn't jump, that was the important thing, wasn't it? He was fine, so he should be acting like it.

 _You are so not fine._

Casey clamped his eyes shut against the annoying doubts in his head, which only caused the image of the cold, deep water below him to resurface. _His hands weren't gripping anything, he was falling, and nothing was grabbing him to pull him back_ -

Casey jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and his eyes shot open. There was Raph again, a sad, reassuring smile on his face.

"You'll be okay." he said softly, simply. Then he reached over to the other side of the couch and tugged Mikey's comforter over, draping it over Casey's shoulders. Casey stared at him for a long moment, before hanging his head and clenching his fists around the hem of his sweatshirt. He was an idiot. Such a stupid, freaking idiot!

"Casey?!" a sudden voice exclaimed, and Casey's head shot up to see April jumping over the turnstiles, Mikey and Leo right behind her, then she was rushing over and hugging Casey tightly. "Where were you?! Why didn't you have your phone?! Why- what happened to you?!"

"April, calm down a second." Raph said, and April glared at the red banded terrapin before looking back over at Casey, not releasing him from her arms.

"What happened?" she asked. Casey frowned, avoiding her eyes. Why did everyone have to keep asking that, why couldn't they just not notice how beat up he was?

"Nothing…" Casey shrugged, gently pulling out of April's arms. "I'm-"

"If your claim to be fine one more time," Donnie grumbled, walking over to join Leo and Mikey, who were hovering by the couch, "I'm going to go ballistic." Casey swallowed thickly, he could still taste blood coming from the new gap in his teeth, great. The dark haired teen hesitantly looked around at his friends, feeling small under their worried gazes.

"Casey." Leo spoke up, Casey flinched when the leader rested a hand on his shoulder. "Casey, we're worried about you." Yeah, he knew that, that's the detail that Casey hated.

"Leo, just give 'im some space." Raph interjected, sitting on the couch next to Casey, but not too close. A comforting kind of close, since Raph was really the only person Casey was feeling safe next to right now.

Leo frowned, moving his hand away from Casey's shoulder and stepping back a couple inches, April followed suit, though she obviously didn't want to. Casey sighed, able to breathe evenly again now that he had some space.

"Are you okay, dude?" Mikey whimpered, wringing his hands nervously. "Who hurt you-"

"I said I'm fine, okay!" Casey growled, hugging himself tighter. This was all just too much, they were too worried, he shouldn't be worrying them. He should be…. Be… where? Home? On the streets taking his anger out on thugs?

 _….Deep underwater where no one could find him?_

Casey was shaking violently now, and he couldn't breathe again. Everyone's eyes were wide now, and Casey had no idea why until he felt the tears dripping from his chin. _Great_.

"Casey…" Casey shook his head, burying his face in his knees.

He was underwater, he couldn't move, he had no air to breathe, he was _dying_. But wasn't that what he'd wanted?

Casey let out a miserable sob, hugging himself tighter. He was so stupid, this all was stupid, why couldn't he just deal with everything? Forget that, why did his life even have to be like this? Why did his dad have to hate him? Why did his aunt have to take his little sister away? Why hadn't she taken him too? Why did everyone hate him for being himself? Just, why? _Why?_

"It's alright." Casey was in his best friend's arms again, and he could feel the others eyes on him, staring. "You're alright." Casey shook his head again, sobbing harder. He wasn't alright! None of this was alright!

"Casey." that was Splinter's voice. _Fantastic_. "Casey, please, will you look at me?" Casey shook his head weakly, screwing his eyes shut tighter. He was scared to look at the rat, not because he still had that rat phobia, no, Casey was terrified to look at Splinter because he was afraid of seeing disappointment in the rat's eyes.

Splinter _knew_ what he'd almost done, Casey could just tell by how gentle, yet shaky his voice was. Casey didn't want to see how his stupid mistake affected the closest thing he had to an actual caring father.

"Casey…" Splinter said softly again, and Casey felt the rat brush his messy bangs out of his eyes. "Casey, breathe deeply, you must breathe." Casey knew he was right, knew he should calm down. So, he tried his best to breathe. _In and out. In and out. In… Out._

Casey took a shuddering breath, and somehow gathered up the courage to open his eyes. He blinked away the remainder of his tears to see Splinter in front of him, a reassuring smile on his snout. The others were still staring, and Casey hugged himself tighter self-consciously.

"Casey, it will all be okay in time." Splinter said softly, regaining Casey's attention. Casey stared at him, tears stinging his eyes again. He didn't want to cry anymore, he'd cried way too much than he usually did, and it was just so embarrassing.

"I…." Casey whimpered, and Raph's arms around him tightened. "I-I'm sorry…. I… I-I just… it's hard… it's so hard t-to…. K-keep going…" more tears escaped, and Casey struggled to wipe them away. "I-I don't… I d-dunno what… what to do…" Splinter's hand cupped Casey's cheek gently, and Casey was surprised when he didn't shudder or flinch from the contact.

"All you need to do is come to us, Casey. You will never be unwelcome here." Splinter said firmly, yet gently. "You are a part of this family, and we all care for you deeply. We will always be here for you when you need us. You are not alone, Casey."

A warm feeling spread throughout Casey's chest at those words. They cared. They really were the family he loved them as. Casey's mouth twitched up into a small smile as more tears trickled down his cheeks, but they weren't filled with sadness. He felt… Happiness. And joy. And love. And it seemed like ages since he'd felt that, but it was, in a way, worth the wait.

 _ **A/N: Here is another chapter of this emotional fic I may or may not have bawled my eyes out to as I was writing it! (ha… ha ha… T^T) So, I will be continuing this fic, I just won't be able to post new chapters this summer, sadly. But hopefully, I can get my own computer and spoil you guys with more chapters! Anywho, hope you enjoyed this, and I can't wait until I'm able to give you guys more! 3 -Neon**_


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